Losing My Way
by H. James
Summary: Oneshot. My view of a S5 sneak peek. NH feelings.


_I don't even know if I can call this a oneshot, or a fanfiction at all. It's more like a giant rant between the scene. We had a NH sneak peek this week, from S5 and I decided to describe the part we saw from the scene. It's really random but I just thought to share it with you people. Cause you're all so nice and all! ) _

_If you like it, leave a nice comment!_

* * *

_And suddenly I become a part of your past  
I'm becoming the part that don't last  
I'm losing you and it's effortless  
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground  
In the throw around  
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down  
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves  
_('Over My Head' - The Fray) 

Holding the tray with the empty beer bottles on it, Haley James-Scott walked past the couch where her husband had been sitting the whole day. Day? Try the last few months. She's always tried her best to keep her house organized and free from the spread toys her four year old son would eventually let laying around. To Haley, a well organized house was a harmonious house. And with a harmonious house, she'd have a happy family. The last few months had been discouraging her to keep believing it so.

She didn't even know if he was watching TV or was simply sitting there, sulking. And she honestly didn't care. Either way it'd mean he was still _there_ and barely acknowledging her presence.

As she set the tray down on the dining room table, one of the bottles fell off and she quickly rearranged it, on an instinct. What the hell had her instincts been doing so far for her? Nothing much, she could say. She glanced around and caught sight of her husband still sitting on the couch with one of his hands supporting his head, like he was tired of being exercising all day. He hadn't _moved_ all day.

Tightening her eyes closed, Haley let her building up frustration out as she used both hands to send the tray with the beer bottles flying across the table, on the couch's direction. One of the bottles flew over the end table and past her husband's face. The rest just flew all around, hitting the floor and making the glass crash everywhere.

The loud sound of the tray hitting the floor and the glasses flying made Nathan barely flinch on his seat. He was surprised he hadn't heard that before. She had been holding it back a lot longer than he would have.

"Are you gonna say anything or are you gonna just sit there like you have for the last four months?!" she yelled the words with anger, "You're gonna get drunk maybe?! Pout a little, cry?!" she said the last words with mockery, like his actions were reflecting a stubborn child's.

Running a hand through his unkempt, and long needing of a haircut hair, Nathan sighed and turned around on his couch to finally look at his wife. She looked pissed. She was pissed. And yet he knew all she wanted was for him to say something back and not simply let him have it.

"You don't get it, do you?" he asked like she should've known the answer all along, "I used to be somebody, Haley!" his voice raised as the words left his mouth and the memories of what happened to him came rushing back, "Do you understand that?" she looked back at him with the anger lines softening on her face.

Finally they were getting somewhere! He was finally let her in and explain to her why he was acting like that, "Do you understand what that means? I used to be _Nathan Scott_" he pronounced his own name like you pronounce 'John Lennon', "And I was great! And I shouldn't have walked away, ok?" his eyebrows twitched for a second as if he was tired of realizing that, "I know that! And I didn't do it. And now I'm NOTHING!"

Haley's heart started to sink. She couldn't even move from her spot as she saw her once loving husband fall apart right before her eyes. He had been doing that slowly for the past four months, but now he was crashing fast. And she didn't know if she could stop it.

"And I _have _NOTHING!" he let a final shout out and sighed loudly before dropping his body back on the couch.

As fast as Haley's heart sank, it jumped right back up and started to race rapidly. He had nothing? How dared him? It was one thing to ignore her presence whenever she walked in the room so he wouldn't have to feel like he had to interact with her – 'cause God forbid! – but it was another thing all together for him to look her straight in the eye and tell her she didn't exist. And neither did their son. Their family. What family? What house? What life? All he saw was himself and his self pity. And she had had enough.

"You have _nothing_?" she repeated the word with disgust and darted her eyes around trying to find something else to throw at his head. She needed to snap some sense into him, "You have a beautiful son who is here!" her voice cracked as she pointed out towards their son's bedroom. How could he neglect his son to the point where he forgot he even had him? "_I _am HERE!" she took one hand over her heart to point at herself.

Nathan lowered his head as he sighed again. Of course he didn't forget his son or the fact that she was there for him. But it was something else. Something she couldn't fix. And neither could he and it killed him. But what hurt the most was that she didn't know that's how he felt. But then again, how could she, if he never explained to her?

She started to shake her head, "You have got to figure out what you're gonna be in this, Nathan, because this version of you does not work for us" her eyes were flooding with tears and soon she'd begun to cry and then she'd lose her strength. She took a moment to catch her breath quickly before continuing, "I cannot keep living like this, ok?"

Her voice was teary and he wanted, for a moment, on a reflex, to get up and hold her. He looked away from the floor and was about to turn to her again when she started to speak up again, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" he gave up and only listened, "One more night like this, Nathan, and I promise you… you _will _have nothing."

She couldn't take it anymore and as the tears started to roll down her cheek, she left the living room quietly. Nathan kept on his spot and didn't even dare to follow her with his eyes. He just kept staring at nowhere with her words echoing on his mind. _Nothing_. How much of that did he really have? He knew she meant it. She would never say those words or threat him like that if she didn't. Was he ready for the real meaning of the word he used to define himself? To define his own life? He blinked and looked away, not knowing exactly what to do.

* * *


End file.
